The Sunday Musician

There are three jobs I’d like to do. No, that’s not right: there are three jobs I’d like to train people to do. I think there’s money in it. A lot of money. Easy money.

Barrista.

In the coffee shop where I hang out nearly every day, there’s a sign advertising So & So’s School of Barrista. About once a week I see a group of eager, middle-aged students behind the counter, most of them wearing NPR buttons, spotless aprons and cult-follower smiles. They’re being taught – are you ready for this? – how to make coffee. Oh, once in a while they have to tamp down some grounds and run steam through it, or put whipped cream in something, but the kids at Dairy Queen do all that the first Saturday on the job, and there’s no name for them other than ‘kids who work at Dairy Queen’.

Stewardess Flight Attendant

My wife has a friend who just completed Flight Attendant School for a major airline. She emailed and described her experience as ‘grueling’ and ‘the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life’. It must be that up to this point the hardest thing she’s ever done is make pancakes, or maybe a do a paint-by-number clown. I’ve seen flight attendants in action, and they have two skills: courtesy and the ability to lock the wheels on a serving cart with their foot. At most restaurants around here, waitresses get $2.75/hour plus tips, AND they have to learn to run a cash register. And menacing terrorists are nothing like the people who come into Denny’s after midnight.

Weatherman

The weather people in my area have been consistently butchering the weather forecast. ‘No rain today!’ they cheerily burp, and then by 3pm the National Guard is out declaring martial law and people are rowing to work.

But I’m an optimist. You might have picked up on that by now. So I’m going to make lemonade out of this swill, turn the sour pucker on my face into a big, cash-fed grin. I’m opening a trade school. For $1500 – no, make that $3500 - I’ll train you in one of the above-mentioned…(cough)…’skills’.

Ed’s School of Barrista

Schedule/Curriculum

Monday

• 8:00 - 9:30 Registration. Cash only.
• 9:30 – 10:45 Breakfast
• 10:45 – 11:00 How to pour coffee, how to add milk to the coffee, or other flavors, and how to tell the difference between Decaf and Regular (the label).
• 11:00 – 1:30 Lunch
• 1:30 – 2:00 Tying your apron the special barrista way.
• 2:00 – 2:45 How to make espresso and cappuccino, including how to make your shoulder muscles bunch when you compress the grounds, turn the handle just exactly the right way, and how steam makes the milk bigger
• 2:45 – 4:00 The names of 37 South American countries with coffees named after them, and the factory in Chicago that makes every single bean. Also, how to yell, "Triple-sideways-with-an-over-and-under-half-gainer" loud enough to bring down a light plane. 
• Evening: Trip to Dairy Queen

Tuesday

• 10:00 – 11:00 Italian words. ‘Tall’ means small, ‘Grande’ means big, and ‘Venti’ means ‘Maximum Profit’.
• 11:00 – 1:00 Lunch
• 1:00 – 4:00 Handling dishware w/flair – including tossing cups up and down to make it look like you really have it under control.
• Evening: Trip to local French Restaurant to copy the waiter’s bored-with-your-bourgoise-tastes-but-I-suppose-I’m-getting-paid attitude. Bonus – copy the hostess’s withering look.

Wednesday

Graduation Day! I'll hand-prepare the diploma right in front of you, including flipping the pen a couple of times and writing with big, wavy hand motions in order to justify the outrageous prices I'm charging you.

That’s it for today.  Stay tuned for Flight Attendant and TV Weatherman curricula. And remember, always, always ask yourself this question: 

WWED - What Would Ed Do?