The Sunday Musician

I’ve learned something from watching decorating shows with my wife: upgrade the name of something, instead of actually spending money on it. This is kind of like when your employer gives you more letters in your title in lieu of a raise. (I was once a ‘Corrugator/Combiner Doublebackerman. It paid $8.40/hr.)

So we no longer call our deck ‘the deck’. Now it’s ‘the lanai’. And the creek that runs behind the deck is no longer a nameless feed into the pond between the condo units – it’s Pointe Lake Bay. Now on hot Augest nights we aren’t sitting on our deck, slapping at mosquitoes from the creek and spilling our Diet Cokes – we’re sipping Long Island Ice Teas on the Lanai, enjoying the view of the bay.

I don’t know if it was the tea, or the view, but I was slapping the back of my neck last summer and had a sudden inspiration for my own decorating show.

Every one of these shows features a phony, self-imposed budget/deadline. They go to commercial break with the teaser, “Will Lulu get the curtains done before the cat comes home from the hospital? She only has $49 left!”

Of course the ridiculous budgets and deadlines are supposed to show what you can do in a weekend, with only a small amount of money. An enormous amount of ingenuity is displayed as they ‘repurpose’ (man, I hate that word) an old credenza into a bookshelf using black lacquer and brackets from Home Depot (a proud sponsor) and ‘just a touch of sweat equity’.

In my show, you would learn what you could do to a room with beer money and about 45 minutes.

The show’s title would be “Why Redecorate At All?” and here’s what would happen:

The host, along with a husband and wife, would stand around in a dim, dismal, junky basement ‘rec room’ complete with milk crates holding vinyl records, grandma’s old couch, a combination TV/Stereo console unit with peeling wood veneer, and a Three Dog Night poster.

Everyone would agree that the room was not being used anymore, that it was ugly, and that something had to change. Then they’d all get in the car and drive to the local watering hole, where they’d sit in a booth and talk about it. This is where the beer comes in. After several Buds (a proud sponsor), they’d start talking about all the good times they had in that room, how two of their three kids had been conceived on that couch, how vinyl records are making a comeback, and how the money it would take to recover the old couch would go a long way toward a week in Key West. This requires ingenuity, as you can readily see. Let’s call it ‘repurposed ingenuity’.

A laptop is produced, and a quick eBay search unearths a windfall; the Three Dog Night poster is worth $1500. The couple starts planning the vacation, and pretty soon they’re giggling and shooting looks at each other and making disgusting gestures behind their hands when they think no one is looking. Everyone would win.

Couples all across the country would tune in for inspiration, brewing companies would line up to sponsor, as would Chambers of Commerce in Florida and the Virgin Islands.

To get your brains working, here’s a form you can cut, paste, print, and take with you to the bar.

 

Room To Not Be Redecorated_______________________________________

Budget Worksheet:

Estimated Degree of Ingenuity Required, (circle one): 1 beer 2 beers 3 beers 4 beers

Multiply Estimated Degree of Ingenuity by number of participants to compute budget:

( ) participants X ( ) beers = ______(Estimated Budget )

Items that could be sold on eBay_______________________________________

People Who Would Have To Be Lied To Or Otherwise Coerced To Make This Work:

( ) Husband ( ) Wife ( ) Parents

Happy repurposing, and cheers!