The Sunday Musician

My experience directing actors is limited to amateur productions only, most notably telling my kids to keep their mouths shut while the cop is walking up to the driver's window to ask me why I rear-ended the car in front of me.

Kids: Dad, what do we say if he asks us if we were wearing our seatbelts?

Me: Tell him the truth.

Kids: What if he asks us about the unsecured, sharp objects we were playing with?

Me: Lie.

Kids: But you always say-

Me:  I'll do the talking.

True, my direction to the girls was “do nothing”, but they were convincing, and I take the credit. I figure two more traffic violations, I'll have my SAG card.

According to a study I conducted a while back (last night)--which mainly involved watching Star Trek II with the commentary track enabled--the key to directing is understanding the underlying emotions of a scene. I dozed off afterward, and, possibly because of the entire bag of Oreos I downed during the big death scene, I dreamed I was trying to direct Leonard Nimoy as "Spock”, the emotionless Vulcan.

Me: Cut! Five minutes, everyone. Lenny, could I have a word with you? (I take Nimoy's elbow and walk him over to the side.) Len, baby, you're still giving me too much.

Nimoy: Still? I was practically a zombie on that last take.

Me: And I appreciate the effort. You gotta think bland thoughts. Think about oatmeal that's been sitting out on the counter since yesterday, or a C-minus on a math test, or getting a “David Gates and Bread” box set for Christmas.

Nimoy: I could think about that time I vacationed in Michigan.

Me: (slapping him on the back) NOW you're getting into the spirit!

Nimoy: (grins)

Me: Oops, oops! Knock that grin off. My fault. (putting my arm around his shoulder) Let me ask you a question: what do you think about miniature golf?

Nimoy: I don't think anything at all. I've never tried it.

Me: Perfect. While you're delivering your lines in the next scene, think about miniature golf. (Walking back to the director's chair) Okay, places everyone! This is the big death scene for Spock, so let's really pull out all the stops! (catching Nimoy's eye, I grin hugely and bend over, pantomiming a golf putt) Action!

(Nimoy lies down on the floor, makes a moaning sound)

Me: Cut! Stop, stop. Leonard, don't move. (I walk over and whisper something in Nimoy's ear, then walk back to my chair) Okay, one more time--action!

(Nimoy just lays there)

Me: That's it! Lenny, that was Oscar material.

Extra In Klingon Suit: (helping Nimoy up) What did he say to you right before the scene?

Nimoy: He told me Will Ferrell's got a new movie coming out, and Yanni did the soundtrack.