The Sunday Musician

The Wittenburg Door published this piece in their September/October 2005 issue, which didn't do much to endear me to my mother-in-law.  I wrote it when I worked for a church that wanted to 'take the city, then the world, then the universe' for God.  The wide disparity between the comfy, middle-class lifestyle (theirs and mine) and the aggressive 'we'll do anything for the mission' rhetoric finally got to me.  There just seemed no way to reconcile the two;  one or the other, but not both.  So I give you:

 

Moses At The Counselor's Office

Moses has just returned from his failed first attempt to free the children of Israel from slavery. Discouraged and confused, he finds himself in the reception area of the Family Values Counseling Center. After a short wait a middle-aged man with bad hair opens the door and scans the room: “Mister…(consulting a 3x5 card)…Moses?”

Moses gets up and follows the bad hair down the hallway, praying that before the hour is done he’ll better understand God’s will for his life.

COUNSELOR: (closing the door behind him and offering an overstuffed chair to Moses) Can I offer you anything? Coffee, tea?

MOSES: (making a weak joke) Something that will keep my staff from turning into a snake, maybe? If you know what I mean…

COUNSELOR: (sitting down across from Moses) Well, maybe we can work on that. What brings you here today, Mr. Moses?

MOSES: Moses. It’s just…Moses. My wife is threatening to leave me.

COUNSELOR: Really. Does she say why?

MOSES: She says I’m putting my job before the family. She says I’m never around, says I’m consumed with my career. Kids won’t do their homework, discipline problems, etc. And we never, well…it’s been a long time since we…(Moses resists the urge to hold the pillow across his stomach, thinking it will make him look weak)

COUNSELOR: And what kind of work do you do?

MOSES: I’m in the middle of a career change.

COUNSELOR: Ah. That can be tough. Hard on the family.

MOSES: I herded sheep for forty years…

COUNSELOR: Forty years!

MOSES: Yeah, but now I’m getting into full-time ministry.

COUNSELOR: You’re going back to school, then? Seminary?

MOSES: No, actually. There’s just…something I need to do.

COUNSELOR: I see. And what is that?

MOSES: Well (laughing nervously)…um…free the children of Israel from slavery in Egypt.

COUNSELOR: I’m…I’m sorry—what?

MOSES: Free the children of Israel from slavery in Egypt.

COUNSELOR: (writing on his yellow pad) And how long have you wanted to do this?

MOSES: Oh, it’s not something I chose—it was chosen for me.

COUNSELOR: You felt pressure from your friends, relatives, church members perhaps?

MOSES: Not exactly. How do I say this…God kinda spoke to me directly.

COUNSELOR: So you felt a stirring in your heart, a longing that you’ve identified as the voice of God?

MOSES: No, it’s more like He just spoke right out loud.

COUNSELOR: So He appeared to you maybe in a dream? You dozed off watching the sheep?

MOSES: No! He spoke directly to me! His voice came out of…um…out of…out of a burning bush.

COUNSELOR: I admit I haven’t heard that yet today. (adjusting his position in the chair) This voice—it spoke to you and told you to…

MOSES: Quit my job, go to Egypt and say to Pharoah; “Let my people go.”

COUNSELOR: And you just…did it?

MOSES: (slumping in the chair) Up until right now I was just so sure it was God talking to me…

COUNSELOR: Mo…may I call you Mo?

MOSES: If you let me call you Curly.

COUNSELOR: No need for sarcasm here, Moses.

MOSES: (out of his chair now, pacing) Look—I’m sinking here! My wife is packing her bags, my kids won’t speak to me, I’m WAY behind on my tent payments, and I have a camel with thirteen hundred miles on her. Although…they are all desert miles…you wouldn’t be looking…

COUNSELOR: (putting the yellow pad an pencil on a side table) No, I’m not, Moses. May I suggest that your life is way out of balance?

MOSES: (sitting down, running a hand through his hair) I’m beginning to have some doubts along that line.

COUNSELOR: I don’t wonder. Look, if you really want to save somebody—

MOSES: I told you before—it’s not that I want to, it’s that God told me to. There’s a difference.

COUNSELOR: Okay, assuming God did call you—

MOSES: Thank you.

COUNSELOR: You’re welcome. (warming to the challenge) Assuming God did call you to save people, couldn’t you start out a little bit slower, kind of ease your way into it? Keep your shepherding job, keep the money coming in, and then maybe take an evening a week and try saving…say…ten people from some kind of lesser bondage situation. If that works out, you move on to the next step, maybe add another night of the week, try saving a hundred people. Do you see where I’m taking this? A balanced life is what we’re after here. You have a responsibility to your family, Moses. God would never be honored by you neglecting them.

MOSES: But…that isn’t what God told me to do. (he buries his face in his hands) I’m so confused.

COUNSELOR: (leaning forward) Moses, it’s understandable. I bet you were saving kittens out of trees when you were young, probably standing up against the school bully, things like that.

MOSES: (looking up with a glimmer of self-understanding) I killed a guy once who was mistreating some of my neighbors. I buried him in the sand.

COUNSELOR: (sits back and stares at Moses a full ten seconds) Will you excuse me a moment?

The counselor stands up, walks to his desk, and picks up the phone. He turns toward the windows and whispers into the phone…

COUNSELOR: Sharon, call security. Tell them to hurry.

MOSES: Is everything all right?

COUNSELOR: (turning back to Moses, but coming no closer) It will be in a moment.

MOSES: You don’t look so good. (he pulls a wax paper packet out of his pocket) Here—have a cookie.

COUNSELOR: No thanks. (one eye on the door, making conversation) Looks good, though. Did your wife make it?

MOSES: (taking a bite, talking while he chews) Nope. Picked it up off my yard this morning on the way here.

COUNSELOR: (calling toward the door) SHARON!!!!